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Tuesday 8-22-2017

So last week, I asked the question, “What do you do when your mind goes to the dark places?”

Valid question to which, I got many great answers but not one person took the time to say, “Hey Skip, where does your mind go in those times?”

You see many times, we hide those times by putting up a façade of everything is a okay, I am a pillar of strength!!! But would anyone have thought that Robin Williams, the funny man, who made people laugh daily with his jokes, would have done what he did? NO, he was successful, loved by many, had a great family as well as respected by many. One of the greatest comedians of all time Jerry Lewis said of Williams. That he (Robin) was the Jerry Lewis of our day! But sadly, Robin dealt with his own demons….

We all deal with our demons, some hide it well. Tonight I went to a talk at my church by Sam Eaton, a young grade school from Minnesota. Sam growing up was your typical student. Played sports, got good grades until high school and that was when being the son of an alcoholic father who left the family when he was 14 caught up with him, he quit sports, started drinking and his grades slipped. Sam made it through college and as most college students these day, ended up with a lot of student debt. He got a job in his hometown of Minneapolis MN, moved back in with his mother to save money. (Don’t forget that student loans/debt-because he sure did not!)

Back home, where he had begun to slip and lose himself and working in a job that he did not like, you can guess what happened…  Yup, he slid headlong into the depression that he had been fighting against and self medicating since 14… he picked a day, the day it would all end…

Nobody had a clue until the day after his chosen day; he was still alive and shared with his family and friends his plan that did not happen. Where he had thought that no one would care, he was surprised that his family and friends surrounded him with love and were there for him!

So I share this story as an illustration to point out, we never really know what a person is dealing with and why or what factors put this line of thinking into their heads.

Those of us with a life changing disease or illness daily go through many things that cause us to deal with and struggle with depression. We feel alone in our struggles, it seems no one understands what we deal with. Well meaning people will say, eat better, exercise more, take a shower, you don’t look sick, get out and be social, call a friend… any things are said to a person with a life altering illness or circumstance but in many cases it is not what is needed and just makes the person feel even more alone. Because no one understands, which goes to show you just how alone you are….

In my case, I have dealt with a divorce. I came close in 1994 in doing the deed; I put a loaded shotgun in my mouth. I thought that was the way to end the pain and that my children would be better off if I was gone. But as I sat there, visions of what my family had gone through when another family member had chosen this path went through past before my eyes. I realized that this path would only cause more pain in the end to my Parents, siblings, and children. So I unloaded the gun and took it to my parents where to this day it stays….

Fast forward to present day, 8-22-2017, on January 6, 2010, I entered St Anthony’s Hospital in St Louis MO with severe Nystagmus , Vertigo, severe Nausea… where 14 days later I was to be diagnosed with Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. By the time I was sent home the Nystagmus, Vertigo, and Nausea and loosened its hold on my life. Not gone completely but only flared not when under stress.

I set out to understand my diagnosed disease and find a doctor that I trusted as I was not happy with the doctor from the hospital. In understanding my disease, I read several books, in which two or three were written by Montel Williams in his diagnosis and daily struggles with MS. In his and the other 3 books that I read, each writer discussed their daily struggles and how they each had struggled with depression and thoughts of ending their lives. I was three weeks into my battle, so I could not comprehend????

I had a girlfriend who understood my disease and had helped me through my time in the hospital as well as was helping me through physical therapy, where I was learning to walk again. But as soon as I was able to walk well enough to return to work, she told me that she was done; She had not taken me on as a boyfriend to take care of me…….

What was I to do? Got my own place and moved in on my own… alone with nothing but my thoughts, I sunk deep into depression. Once again a relationship was ending, so you can guess where my mind took me… yup and I knew how to do it too! It was December and cold, I was in St Louis. Drive into Old St Louis and straight into the muddy Mississippi… (would not take long, hypothermia would kick in, I would go to sleep and drown. (Painless for me) But then thought once again of the pain that this action would cause my family set in!

Really, present day this time about a week or two ago: when I asked my question, “Where does your mind go when it takes you to the dark places?

Well I was in a dark place; my way of dealing with the dark places and times is a faint: distraction. Whatever it takes to get the mind and attention elsewhere but what it is I am dealing with. I have a friend that I talk to almost daily, we shall cal her Marissa. (not to be confused with Merissa, who is my daughter) Marissa has been going through some things and using me as a springboard but what she says, I too feel but I am being the strong one so say nothing.

She says that she fears that no one will want to be with her ever because she too has MS… she worries about family members and their health… quitting smoking… (Which I am about 30 days: in doing this myself!) Getting to her various Doctor Appointments… I am sure you get the idea, I too am dealing with those same struggles and she says many times she realizes this. She says how it amazes her that I am dealing with my MS, open sores on my legs with weekly Wound care Therapy, Kidney Disease and Cancer on my right kidney. If they operate, I would more than likely need dialysis and could possibly bleed out on the operating table while they attempt to remove the cancer from the back side of my kidney. But being the strong man, I did not air my thoughts or struggles.

In starting the various pages, I am the same way. I do not share the negative aspects of my life and daily struggles; same was a chef, I will write many recipes but if I am not happy with the outcome… guess what, I do not share it and in many cases it ended up in the trash. Sadly the same goes for my life, I do not share that which I do not like but I feel my life is nothing but trash…who would want me, no wonder I am alone and have seen all my friends find happiness, while I am still sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else go by. This is the lie that my mind tells me many times a day but if I look, truthfully look. People tell me many times they are glad that I started this page or posted something that made them laugh.

So friends, when someone is dealing with various life circumstances; take a minute. Give them a minute of your time and genuinely stop, look them in the eye (face) and say, are you okay???