Damn the Mind

Damn the Mind

8-27-2017

Damn the mind and it wanting to take you into the dark recesses of its inner core. You know the place, where it screams out that no one loves you, what you think is not important. If it was important, the person you just sent that text to would answer and not wait until it is late evening, they would not tell you that the link of a video you made was not important enough to look at because they were not in the mood. In other words my mind is telling me that they do not think that I am important enough for their attention??!?!?!?!?

When they finally ask if you are okay, your answer is, “I’m fine,” because you do not want to unload the inner turmoil rolling around in your mind!

Then your mind really goes dark and says, what would be the quickest and easiest way to end your life? Sigh… One is to go into the Mighty Mississippi in freezing cold temps. 

One, I no longer live in St Louis and it is August. 

Two, take every pill that you have in your home… In both cases, best circumstance is you go to sleep and die… 

River option will not work because I do not live near there, have no car, it is August and hypothermia will not kick in…. The pills route, may work with my luck, they would just make me go to sleep and I would wake up in a psyche ward in a straight jacket, feeling like shit!

So what do I do? Write a blog post about it! Get it off my chest; pray for my friend that she feels better as she is going through trials of her own. Her MS has flared up; she is on steroids, and having horrible side effect. 

But then again, I said that I was fine but have not felt right myself. Vertigo has been lurking just around the edges and gets worse in the evening and my spastic legs have also been much worse as of recent all through the day. I have been lucky since January 6, 2010 in that I have only had 2 relapse or severe worsening of my Multiple Sclerosis symptoms!

But I know that I am pushing the boundaries, I quit smoking on July 26, 2017. Working on several projects within my community; from sidewalks needing fixed, to video/audio at church, to starting a community garden project, being a friend who will answer text &/or phone calls immediately, trying to purchase a vehicle (which did not happen), working on a menu and kitchen build for a friend here in town… 

as you can see there is more than enough plates in the air that I am juggling over here and I am sure that I am missing a couple?

So I am stressed and worrying about if there is a relapse knocking on my door or coming up my steps?  Wanting to get these different programs and projects off the ground, it is my hope that once each project is worked through that the thought process and stress will alleviate and reduce to a bare minimum but I will still always feel alone!